I started doing karate back in '93. It was my mother's idea to sign me up for karate lessons and I am thankfull for that. At that time I was too young to grasp anything, so I just followed without a word. Later on I learned the ethics in the dojo. I made sure not to come late or to chat during the classes.

At that time I remember that I wanted to be the best and that I wanted to perform all tasks correctly. I studied the basic techniques and I watched the more advanced karatekas and I learned from them a lot.

After some time a sensei training the more advanced group came to me and asked me if I was already doing karate before. This took me offguard as I was already too young to start training at all. I replied my shy "no" and then she surprised me even more. She said that I'm to attend her classes from now on.

I spent several years in that group and I caught up with my sensei in everything - technique, strength, speed. Also I was the person only person who stayed in that groups for so long. All the people around me were newcomers or people from the previous group I attended. Thus I had advantages as I knew more catas and my stamina/endurence was better.

When I got the 4th kyu which was actually the same kyu my sensei had when she started to train me something changed. She started to take me as a rival not a student. She often fought with me in kumite or she tried to be better than me in other tasks. Well, she found out that I'm getting better than her.

This situation made my karate lessons quite dull and I even left the club for a while to start training in another one. But that club was not about traditional karate so I went back to our club. I stayed there for some other time but I started to look for other activities as well. One day a miracle happened.

The head of the club came to our lesson and he saw me there amongst the rest of the people. And after the training he had a small dispute with my sensei. Several days later I got a letter with an invitation to join the adults or "competition" group. I chose to go to the adults groups as I didn't need to compete in competitions. (my first competition ended up by disqualification).

First realization...

Changing the sensei changed completely my life. Karate became again something I loved. But my point of view also changed. I already followed all the ethics, respect, tolerance etc. But this time it game me even more. I started to take this as a everyday life philosophy. I learned how to learn from my mistakes and how to understand those mistakes and thus overcome them and improve myself both in karate but in other circumstances too. I also got closer friends and I found people who really liked karate as a martial art and that was the way I wanted it. It is an art after all. It's not sport for me, nor self defence, agression or anything you could thing of. It's an art with a good philosophy.

In this group being the youngest and the only girl there at first I learned that I'm not the weakest person there and that surprised me but made me more confident. I later got also a lesson that becoming too overconfident is a bad thing so learned to respect the level of other people and place myself at the right place. This way I could learn from the more advanced people and I could teach the less advanced people.

I also got the feeling that I can control my body. Actually after realizing this, I started to learn how to control my force and how to perform correctly anything new shown to me. And it worked.

Karate was also giving me something other sports or physical activities could not give me. Actually when I trained I got to a really nice state of mind. I didn't think of anything and I performed techniques or thought kind of automatically, without trying to figure out how to perform a technique or where to hit. It just came to me. This always helped me to clear my mind of all burdens and it made me feel little bit euphoric after each training.

Also after a three year pause (of not taking any test) I started to take the tests for brown belts. Eventually I ended up at the preparation for my shodan test. Which came kind of unexpected and I was too young to consider this test seriously. But I knew I could pass it.

A long break...

At that time when I was in my best I moved to Belgium and here everything was difficult and I couldn't just start to train because my parents wanted me to learn speaking French and doing everything for school first. So I did not look for a place to train. But during the next summer vacances I went to a Karate camp with one Shotokan club. At first I went there just to train and get back to a better shape. But many things happened at this camp which were not that comprehensible for me at the time.

A camp that changed everything again...

I came to the camp and everything seemed to be ok. But after the first training everthing changed. The senseis tried to tell me everything they learned in their karate life. Anf the fellow karatekas turned cold. I didn't understand this at all. But later I found out the reason. Actually the whole club was speaking about me. At first I thought it's because of my look or something but later I overheard a conversation about me. The senseis were actually talking about my really good skills and that they never met a person so skilled in all those aspects karate has.

Later on I also found out why the others turned so cold after the first training day. Actually many people talked about me being really good and that the senseis are now more interested in training me them them (I was a intruder to this club actually). I didn't feel like being a good karateka at all but I felt that there were girls really jealous and I didn't understand why. There was one girl - a brown belt too - who was winning many competitions in both kumite and katas. When I came to the camp it seemed that I took her place somehow.

One day I was pitted against her on suwariwaza. I'm not bad at this and I had little difficulty putting her on her own back and getting to the winning position. Usually this is the moment where the other combatant says "I lost" and you can start over again. But she didn't want to, she wanted to get me off her, but she didn't manage it so I put my hand over her neck and pushed a little to show her that it's me who has control over her body. But she continued to struggle. It was our sensei who finally said "yame!" and it was hopefully over. Because I have no idea what I would have to do to stop her. After this she avoided me for the rest of the camp.

Well, after this I felt really uneasy among these people and I also got ill at the camp (as a quarter of other people too). But I had really a good time with the senseis who tried to answer all my questions and were treating me really well.

Looking for a new club...

Back at Belgium I decided to find a dojo for myself and I found one 40 minutes away from me. I went there this time with a white belt so people wouldn't be that cold at me as it happened at the camp. But even with me wearing a white belt I ended up as an example of a black belts oi-tsuki technique. Ok this was little harsh on me cause I came there for the first training not knowing anyone (not even speaking French), no one knowing me and I ended up being shown to the rest of the club as the example (how a black belt technique should look like)?

After this I realized that the sensei developed the same attitude as the senseis from the camp and I felt quite awkward. But I kept coming there. I liked the place and the people were actually nice. The problem came when it was the question of kumite. At first I thought some of the women there, but soon sensei found out that I can do much better than them and that I can be even dangerous to them as they did not have any kind of defense reflex (and I was used to people blocking or incasing my blows). But this was not the way here. So the sensei decided to try all the people in the dojo. Well, when it came to the last one (2nd kyu) he felt like he can beat me. You know twice as big, strong and male. But I showed him otherwise. He lacked speed and he didn't move much. So I could easily avoid his blows and kick him with mawashigeri to his head or step a side and stop him in his movement with yokogeri.

Several lessons later, I was only doing semi-contact kumite with our sensei, which put me to a difficult position. I didn't feel like being a member of the club. And the members also watched me in a different way.

The sensei even invited some black belts to his club so I could meet them. I have to say this was really nice, as I learned that the view of the black belts on martial arts is really different to most of the people I met. This attitude was also much closer to mine attitude and I felt an urge to learn more about karate after this meeting. Some time later, still enjoying the lessons with our sensei I had the chance to go to Hirokazu Kanazawa seminar for brown and black belts only. I have to say that this is a really valued expirience for me. I felt like a complete noob there amongst all the black belts there^_^. We started the training with warming up and strengthening our muscles (I didn't even know existed). After this there was a long time dedicated to basic techniques. After this it was all katas and explanations of techniques (and bunkai). I have to say that I was really surprised with Kanazawa-sensei. I just couldn't believe his strength and speed and also his dynamics at 83 years. I was really amazed, you know I had difficulties with the seminar and you know he was fine all the time after spending there three days actually training!

Some time later I was actually invited to take the shodan test again. I was asked twice, but I refused. I don't know what actually made me said no. The reason I think why I turned this down again and again is that I was afraid that I would stop training after getting shodan. But actually this kind of thing happened without even going to the test.

The club was not going well and its end could be felt by most of us. So I started looking for another club. I found several.

The first club was big. There were about thirty people at the training lesson I went to. At the first glance it seemed unbalanced. There were both teenagers and adults and all the kyus were there. I came there to try it out. Well, everything went quite fine till the time I had to fight someone from the club. It was a girl with red belt. I was easy on her but I didn't care much about chosing one technique to hit her and stop. Instead I was just distracting her with my left hand and then eventually I kicked maegeri. She did not expect it at all and folded to the ground. I made her cry and she did not continue training for about twenty minutes. I have to say that she made me pretty scared, but I knew I was really easy on her. This already happened to me once, kicking someone with not the intention to kick her and the kick just went through (so that did not add to my fear). After that I was fighting a really strong guy, all muscled, but he was a beginner and had no idea what to do. So I just slightly snapped him when he was not defending his head etc.

After this I said I won't come again to this club. The other club I found was more children than adults classes so I left that one too. The last club was all beginners with no idea how to do a technique so I decided to leave also.

My experience with box

I'd like to tell you something about my painful experience with people doing box. This happened at our school. Every monday people who wanted to train box could come and get a sparring partner. Well, I was just curious to try this out and it eventually ended up in giving me more than I thought. At first I was sparring with our teacher. But I was allowed to use both my arms and legs so it was ok. I just had a good sparring time (and people watching me got impressed or scared of me).

Later I tried to fight the people who came there because of box and I couldn't use my legs. That was a real disadvantage for me. The first thing quite difficult was holding my hands near my head and punching and blocking all the time. This with the gloves on was quite difficult. But hey I could punch the other people ok from time to time but it didn't have any real effect^_^. What was more difficult and surprising for me was the strength of the blows I got. I was used to be kicked and punched but not with such an intensity and frequency. There were times I just only got to defend my head (by the way they do, means being punched anyway - but to parts of your body which can handle this^_~). Also this means that all the blows coming lower than my head hit my body. For a while it's ok but taking this for an hour is really a workout.

On these mondays I had to admit that my hands were painfully slow and that hitting someone elsewhere than his head was kind of without effect. At karate hitting someone in his belly at the right time did the job, but here it seemed that the right time never came. Also this was the time I really felt like a punching bag. I realized that defending can be difficult. To defend a single technique or a small amount of them is fine, but when the opponent does not stop it's like 'hell, what I'm supposed to do?'. It made me start to thing in a different way. I found out that moving around helps a lot and that I really need to get punched and wait for the right time to launch my own attack. Just defending or just attacking does not work.

Taekwondo

Later I went to taekwondo lessons with my Japanese friend and I actually liked it (at first). It was something new for me. I was good at it as my legs were fast already (at that time) and I knew how to move fast. The problem was that I was not used to kicking something hard all the time and that I wasn't used to the taekwondo thinking during the fight. I was used to a quite short distance compared to taekwondo and it was really difficult for me to stand further and then go and kick.

You know taekwondo was always a mystery to me. How this martial art can actually work? I only knew taekwondo from fighting games. It always makes me think of Baek or Hwoarang from Tekken. I always knew that they start from a long distance, then they come closer by some wierd techniques which help them get more speed and then finally perform a series of kicks. I always thought this could never work. But at my first training I was shown that this WORKS! And that they are really fast at it. I could just block and wait them to end the attack. But I had no chance intercepting them.

Later I started to grasp the way it works and I surprised myself by being able to do the same in some way. I could be pretty fast and kick high. I've done kicks I could never imagine myself doing before (and I guess I would need training again to be able to do it.) Also the way the training lessons were composed wasn't that good for me. It was more "aggressive". There was no time for a person to get in the state of mind I usually get while training Japanese martial arts or Tai Chi.

I stayed in the club for some time but eventually one day I hurt my leg and I had to stop training for a really long period of time. And that was about it. I hurt my left leg, which was my main leg. The one with which I could kick anywhere I wanted.

Aikido

After my leg recovered and I could move a little bit I started looking for a martial art where I don't have to kick. I was already doing tai chi back at the Czech Republic and Chinese staff and sword which was quite ok for me. But there werent any clubs teaching Chinese arts in my vicinity in Belgium. So after some time I tried Aikido. A Japanese art said to be really close to karate by it's philosophy.

I came there as complete (almost complete) beginner and I was surprised that most of the people were wearing hakamas already. That seemed wierd to me but anyway I stayed (at Kodim's place it was more white then black^_^). Several beginners were there too. We had a training apart so we could learn how to fall down without hurting each other and we were told what is for example katate tori. It was nothing for me as I already knew how to fall down (well, actually it gave me a lot as I learned a different way how to fall down and not hurt myself). Our sensei came to me three trainings after and said that I should take his lessons so I went and was happy for that. I had the chance to train with many different people wearing hakama. These people explained all the techniques, how they work and what is important. I grasped the basic idea of how aikido works, actually I found out really how it works, even though in practic I can't do that as it is difficult for me to concentrate on everything at once. But I had a good energy for aikido as someone said and a good sense for the techniques. I could do that with someone elses explanation and it sometimes actually worked as it should.

We also used to do randori quite often which was something the beginners never understood but I was ok with that and I was allowed to do it with the other people there. I know I wasn't perfect, nor the techniques but I could improve and I actually did improve with all the hakamas around me. They all trained me.

I have to say too that the sensei was really good in my opinion. And also he surprised me with his strength and his energy in his hara. He was really well rooted tree in the ground and his techniques were smooth and working. I felt a lot of energy from him. He was also content with having me there. I felt good there, everyone was nice to me and everyone treated it me with care.

The beginners had hard time with learning how much force they should use or not use at all, but they were learning it. I had my lesson back in the Czech Republic with both Mira Kodim and his son. They taught me that aikido is not a martial art where you would use your (arm/hand) force but that the energy of the movement (and the energy coming from your opponent) is used. I was glad for this quite harsh lesson at that time^_~.

Also the sensei wanted me to take 6th and 5th kyu test but I refused about five times. I don't know why but after refusing shodan test several times I couldn't just decide to go and take a test even though it was 6th kyu test. I ended up by not even paying for the aikido licence, so I have no written record that I actually trained (except the filled and signed registration form).

I came back to the Czech Republic and started to look for a new karate club to train. I went to one, but it didn't go well. I felt really bad and embarassed for my kyu even though they still were telling me I was good and that I have a real potential, but I knew something was wrong. My body did not work the way it used to and I could not even kick with my left leg. I was really sad about this and eventually stopped training at all. All I could feel was a loss, sadness and embarassement. I've never overcome this to train again even though I used to show up at different clubs to try their lessons.

My experience with Judo?

At school I also got one experience with martial arts. Each monday there was some kind of Judo training. Actually at first I wanted to take part in karate lessons there, but I found out that they ended. So I went to the Judo training. I didn't know what to expect as this was something new for me.

I didn't bother taking my karate-gi with me to the first training and I don't regret it now^_^. Well, the lesson started well. It was physically demanding which was something I miss quite a lot now and it was also challenging. After we did some kind of karate techniques. For sure I was the one knowing how to do them, the rest of people lacked mostly speed and technique. Even though their blows would be hard ones. They were trained that was sure, but it lacked refinement.

The rest of the lesson was always dedicated to techniques of throws and other nasty techniques (I have no idea how to say this in English...). From aikido I was used to be cared with care and respect but there was nothing like this. Not that I would not survive falling hard to the ground or being kicked hard. But it felt wrong.

After this not really sufficiant training of techniques we were supposed to fight each other. I chose some handsome boy in dressed in judo-gi. We were supposed to use only our hands in the fight. So well I did that and I could see he got difficulties with so I let him attack then. Later on with someone else we could use both are legs and hands so it was even worse for the person fighting me. After this warming up we were supposed to get the other person the ground and let him stay on his back for a while (his defeat).

My opponent went at me quite quickly and with force so I reacted the same way and took him down quite harshly. Later he ended up on his back looking at me as if I was a spectre or something. I got a similar experience with some more experienced students there (but I was avoiding brown belts...). I guess that I was behaving wierdly cause I did not have the same view on the fight. I knew how to get someone to the ground without really throwing him and using my whole body for that (I'm not sure if you get what I mean). In karate and aikido I learned techniques working on a different basis then those from judo. I know that doing their (judo) techniques it would be me who would be defeated (I guess that I don't even have the force for that).

After the training they said I could attend the more advanced lessons but they were held unfortunately on tuesdays when I had math. analysis.

Nowadays

After I started to work I had to stop the lessons at our University and thus I ended up without any kind of physical exercise again. I have to say that this was pretty difficult for me to bear but I also I was pretty ill for about a half an year and still my health is somewhere between not good and recovering. I had an urge to look for a club here to train anything.

I searched for some, I found karate kempo and some aikido lessons nearby. But I didn't go there. I guess I was to scared to go there alone. Even though this never was a problem for me as I was doing this only for myself. But maybe it was that after being ill for so long I could hardly do any physical exercise. Maybe I was just afraid of failing...

Later I started to run through all the Aikido clubs in Prague and I found one at Karlin which caught my eye. It was close, that was one thing, but the training where short and were for complete beginners too. So I decided to take my boyfriend with me to see if he would like it. I wanted him to confront some other people and see if he could muster his own fear of something new.

We went there and it seemed ok. I guess my boyfriend likes the lessons even though he's more confused about them than anything. But it is me who has changed a point of view.

Back in Belgium I was never treated with harsh force and never uke was one step before me. There were people who just caught my hand and it already hurt and when they performed a technique it was even more pain than before. Not that I could not survive this, but I can't imagine what my boyfriend would do with this treatment? Last time I ended up on the ground so fast and so hard that I almost did not manage it myself (I did manage it but...thought came to my mind). This person (and other in the club) were using their force, their arms to get me to the ground. Why? They weren't beginners for sure as they knew how to perform the technique (kind of). They were so sure about themselves doing it right that it pained me only to listen to them trying to tell me that it is me doing something wrong. I can feel when someone does the technique right, this was not the case. I know that I don't do the techniques right but I try to and I learn from that. But to listen to these people was awkward. I missed all those hakama people from Belgium.

Also we used to do many things in Belgium. The lessons were divided into the basics, tachiwaza, suwariwaza, jo, boken and randori. We also took the time to learn the more advanced falls and techniques. Here there is each lesson for jo, boken and tachi/suwari waza and I guess this is good, but I feel that this does not suite me. I feel that I miss something but I can't realize what it is. Also the way some people treat me there is quite difficult for me to accept...

There is something inside me what would love to continue in any Japanese martial art and would love to improve or get back to my level I was several years ago. But there is also a part inside me which is afraid, embarassed, sad and feeling sorry. I just don't know what to do. I wish I would have never stopped and I just continued on and on.